12 Signs I Ignored That My Ex-Husband Was Gay

How did I not know?  There were signs, even from the beginning that I either was too ignorant to know the difference, too trusting and believed his explanations, or downright denied the evidence right in front of me.  Never underestimate the power of denial1.  He made me kiss him first.  I know that this is the era of women’s lib, but still often men make the first move. Men are the pursuers just waiting for an invite so they can bring the party.  That was not the case with my ex.  He said he liked me but refused to kiss me first.  Maybe it was a game, I do not know.  I have pecked a guy on the cheek or even the lips first to let him know it was okay to take it further especially if the guy was particularly shy but any kind of heavy kissing he has to initiate before it goes to the next level.  Sure there are women that are more aggressive than that, but I wonder if I were not as eager that I might have caught on sooner.  However, we were great friends and we did have certain chemistry right off the bat.  I swear.  Neither of us was really desperate, we just really felt something for each other very quickly. Looking back, I see that any escalation physically was of my encouragement.  I feel bad about this now.  Why did I not insist on being pursued.  I am not saying that guys HAVE to be the aggressors and women keep him at bay, but now I wonder how much of our physical relationship was an attempt to keep me “happy” or to throw off my radar of his true nature.2.  He did not want to live with me and chose to share an apartment with his “best friend” instead leaving me practically homeless.  I am sure he would tell the story of our year long engagement differently.  I just remember only seeing each other on weekends and living on my father’s couch that summer/fall.  Even my conservative mother thought it was weird.  I just thought he was being moral, a good friend, and trying to help me “find my own way.”  I have found if a man lives by himself and is in an exclusive relationship he wants the girl to move in.  He may not be ready to commit to marriage, but he is ready to commit to free sex, and someone to cook, clean, do laundry and still pay half the rent.3.  Our second year of marriage he went to a Halloween party as “Count Cockula.”  I wish to Christ I was making this up. He was the gayest vampire you ever care not to see.  He wore a fluffy white blouse of mine, black pants, a cape, fangs and lipstick.    His catch phrase was “I vant to suck….your blood.”  I thought this was hilarious at the time and that is was all in good fun. How did I not catch on?   He loved every Halloween, whether he was in a male or female costume, because I would put make up on him.  He loved it.  It was a time when we were very intimate.  He and I so close and my making him “pretty.”  I should have known, but I loved this rare yearly closeness he afforded me and I was so hungry for his attention that I was more grateful than suspicious.Yeah, he pretty much looked just like this. 4.  Gay porn.  (A history)The first time I found gay porn on his computer, he explained it away with hackers.   When I found in his history on his computer when I was innocently looking for the website for movie times I found a “college cock” link and other gay porn websites that shocked this young, impressionable church girl.  I remember my stomach churning and I wanted to vomit.  Not because of the male naked form that I have an issue with homosexuality, or even because I had never looked at porn before, because I hadn’t, really, it was because in the core of my being I knew.  I knew something was wrong with our marriage and this was the evidence.  Of course, when I confronted him about it, he said that we must have been hacked.  He even went so far as to call our internet provider, dress down the poor customer service representative (who probably knew better) and changed to another provider.  That is how deep the allusion was.  I believed it, because, why wouldn’t I?  Of course we were hacked because if not….Year 5-  The fifth year of our marriage he was traveling a lot for his company and I had a tremendously stressful job teaching at an alternative high school.  I once again, innocently looked at the history of his computer looking up, once again, movie times and saw the familiar toned, bronzed bodies of young men in all sort of contortions and positions.  Oddly enough, I was on the phone with a friend with whom we were supposed to see a movie with that day and he said, “Watch out looking up his history, you might find gay porn or something.”  He said it as a joke, because, that would be ridiculous.  That familiar nausea returned only this time, the hacker excuse wouldn’t hack it.He blamed me for his looking at gay porn and going on gay chat lines until three or four in the morning.  God knows what he did when he was traveling.  He blamed me because I was not fulfilling his needs because I was so stressed at work, he was gone a lot, I was needy, and crazy.  I began to believe him that I was crazy and I went to psychiatrists and was put on enough psycho-active drugs to make Nurse Ratchett blush.  He wasn’t gay, I was crazy.  I had driven him to this perversion (which I know it really isn’t) because I was such a emotionally needy and mentally unstable woman.  Either I was crazy or he was gay and I was kind enough to take the fall for the both of us.He FINALLY admitted that he might be “bi” but loves me.  We went to couples counseling once.  He claims to have a porn addiction but is not gay. He says he looks at gay porn to “punish” himself or when I have neglected him in some way.  He promised to give it up.  I continue to go to counseling for years for MY emotional problems and was put on mood stabilizers I did not need until my liver function was affected as well as I was beginning to stutter and forget words.  I go to counseling some now but have not been on an anti-depressant or any kind of pyscho-active drug since the divorce.  Magically, I am “cured.”  More on that in another post.This was the “tamest” picture I could find and it is just a Hollister ad. Year 8- He says he looks at porn because I will not have sex with him.  I was recovering physically and emotionally from a devastating miscarriage and we still managed to have sex once or twice a month even though it hurt.  At this point, I stopped using his computer completely, avoided his office, and he bought me a laptop.Year 11 and 12- The death rattle of our relationship.  I do not snoop, but I did see a couple of “missed calls” and even a few leading texts on his cell phone from men.  I did not want to know and never confronted him.  We were having fertility issues and it turns out that he has a very low sperm count and there is nothing wrong with me.  I blamed myself for our earlier fertility issues and the miscarriage when it turns out I am just fine.  At this point he is having impotence issues (only with me) and will barely touch me.  He, once again, blames me for my insistence on having a baby and that I am just over-sexed because I am hitting “my early thirties prime.”   Only this time, my faith in his excuses were waning as my faith in myself was growing. https://www.loveawake.com/free-online-dating/United-States/Arizona/city-of-Phoenix.html?page=91 Phoenix Backpage https://www.loveawake.com/free-online-dating/United-States/Arizona/city-of-Tucson.html?page=91 Tucson Backpage https://www.loveawake.com/free-online-dating/United-States/Arizona/city-of-Mesa.html?page=91 Mesa Backpage https://www.loveawake.com/free-online-dating/United-States/Arizona/city-of-Scottsdale.html?page=91 Scottsdale Backpage https://www.loveawake.com/free-online-dating/United-States/Arizona/city-of-Tempe.html?page=91 Tempe Backpage https://www.loveawake.com/free-online-dating/United-States/Arizona/city-of-Glendale.html?page=91 Glendale Backpage https://www.loveawake.com/free-online-dating/United-States/Arizona/city-of-Yuma.html?page=91 Yuma Backpage https://www.loveawake.com/free-online-dating/United-States/Arizona/city-of-Chandler.html?page=91 Chandler Backpage https://www.loveawake.com/free-online-dating/United-States/Arizona/city-of-Avondale.html?page=91 Avondale Backpage https://www.loveawake.com/free-online-dating/United-States/Arizona/city-of-Flagstaff.html?page=91 Flagstaff  Backpage https://www.loveawake.com/free-online-dating/United-States/Arizona/city-of-Gilbert.html?page=91 Gilbert Backpage https://www.loveawake.com/free-online-dating/United-States/Arizona/city-of-Peoria.html?page=91 Peoria Backpage https://www.loveawake.com/free-online-dating/United-States/Arizona/city-of-Prescott.html?page=91 Prescott Backpage https://www.loveawake.com/free-online-dating/United-States/Arizona/city-of-Apache-Junction.html?page=91 Apache Junction Backpage https://www.loveawake.com/free-online-dating/United-States/Arizona/city-of-Sierra-Vista.html?page=91 Sierra Vista Backpage