Relief.

I take on step forward but it always ends up with two steps backwards. Loving someone the way I loved you was toxic, I didn’t realize at the time that what you did wasn’t ok. I knew deep down that everything I went through together with you, would never translate into something worthwhile. It wasn’t something to hold onto. I wish I had the knowledge I have now, back then. If I did, then maybe I might of never been in the situation that I am today. Dealing with my demons, it’s a struggle. It’s an ongoing battle, fighting to keep my head above water. The memories of you are a constant reminder of how badly I viewed myself back then. How badly I wanted to be loved. How badly I needed affection. One step forward becomes two steps back. Thinking of the times that your fist connected with my face and how your hands wrapped around my neck. How many times I had to cover up the bruises, clean myself up just so you could go at it again. It enrages me, to a point of no return. I’ve thought about doing harm, to you for what you did to me. But my heart stops me. You pollute my mind, spreading your poison in my body with every heartbeat and with every breath I take. I don’t know how many nights I’ve cursed your name, feeling the rage, the pain, the regret and the relief. Relief of having you out of my life.   Relief because I’m finally free.