Emptiness

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my mother. I haven’t seen her in months because of the COVID-19 that’s going on. I would’ve had the chance to meet her today if it wasn’t for work. I tried to take a day off, but they came up with a lame excuse of course, so I’m kind of mad... I really miss her, but at the same time, I really don’t want to meet her. I can’t see her suffer like that. The way she cries every time we have to leave and the fact that I have to deal with it of all the family members is just hurtful, but I get that they can’t even tolerate seeing her this way. No one can replace a mother’s love, but even if I already know that, I still keep on searching for it. My mother suffers from Alzheimer and even if she’s a loving and caring person until this day, it still doesn’t feel as if she’s my mother. She kind of know me, but at the same time she can’t grasp the fact that I’m her daughter, if that makes any sense?  I was really attached to my mother until she became this ill. My world went upside down, because she was the person I felt safe with, and now she’s gone... it opened a big wound that I until this day can’t heal nor handle. I know that I’m not alone in this, but I also know that people around me can’t really understand how fucked up this whole thing has made me, and I’m really trying to fix it, I swear I’m trying. Missing her.